Thanksgiving Weekend Snoozers

Who needs Triptophan when you have boring movies?

Rock Star (2001)

Head-banging -- 1980s style -- makes a comeback with Mark Wahlberg as a lead singer wanna-be who gets to live his wildest dream. In a dizzying turn of events, Chris (Wahlberg) is whisked from anonymity to being frontman for Steel Dragon, the enormously popular metal band he worships. Accompanied on tour by his girlfriend, Emily (Jennifer Aniston), Chris soon discovers life in the fast lane is not all it's cracked up to be.

My Two Cents: Soporific drama about a pathetic wannabe; Hair metal was supposed to be fun.

NetFlix Rank: Hated It
IMDB Rank: 3/10

Mr. Deeds (2002)

Longfellow Deeds (Adam Sandler) is a sweet, affable guy enjoying a humble existence in tiny Mandrake Falls, N.H. When he inherits controlling interest in a massive media corporation, Deeds is thrown into the corporate world and starts injecting his small-town values into the company's various sectors -- with hilarious results! Winona Ryder plays a New York tabloid TV reporter who's sent undercover to do an exposé on Deeds.

My Two Cents: I was wrong... Sandler movies can get worse; Only humor here is Peter Gallagher (Sandy from The OC ) playing the villian.

NetFlix Rank: Hated It
IMDB Rank: 2/10

Happy Endings

Happy Endings (2005)

Lisa Kudrow, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Laura Dern and Jason Ritter star in this unusual comedy, written and directed by Don Roos, that gathers a series of connected vignettes about the randomness of love and life. A documentary filmmaker threatens to reveal a woman's long-held secret; a father and his son find out that they're both seeing the same woman; a gay man discovers his partner may (or may not) be the father of their friend's baby; and more.

My Two Cents: Genuinely funny film; floats between its intersections in search of title outcome. Mostly avoids "convenience"

NetFlix Rank: Really Liked It
IMDB Rank: 8/10

A Look Back at the Summer Blockbuster Season

Batman Begins (2005)

After training with a ninja (Ken Watanabe) in Asia following his parents' brutal murder, Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) returns to Gotham City and finds it overrun with crime and corruption. Discovering a cave under Wayne Manor, Bruce assumes a new identity and wages a one-man war against the criminals that plague the city. Katie Holmes, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Tom Wilkinson and Morgan Freeman co-star. Christopher Nolan directs.

My Two Cents: Makes Burton's Dark Knight look like a sissy; makes Shumacher's Batman look like a bad dream that's finally ended.

NetFlix Rank: Loved It
IMDB Rank: 9/10

Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

In the third and final installment of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, Anakin
Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) and Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) are married, and General Grievous leads the Confederacy in a battle against the Republic. Darth Sidious (Ian McDiarmid) lures war-weary Anakin to the dark side, forcing Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor) to fight against his former pupil. Samuel L. Jackson and Jimmy Smits also star.

My Two Cents: The Force is strong with this one!

NetFlix Rank: Loved it
IMDB Rank: 9/10

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Lucky Charlie Bucket's one of five golden-ticket holders treated to a tour of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory in Tim Burton's reimagining. Along with the other four (rather naughty) contest winners, good-hearted Charlie (Freddie Highmore) visits the factory and encounters Oompa Loompas, eats wonderful candy creations and meets the fascinating Wonka (Johnny Depp) himself. From the time he enters the factory, Charlie's life changes forever.

My Two Cents: Falls a hair or two short of its predecessor's status as a classic, but Burton's eccentricity still delivers.

NetFlix Rank: Really Liked It
IMDB Rank: 8/10

Wedding Crashers (2005)

In this raucous romantic comedy, John (Owen Wilson) and his partner in crime, Jeremy (Vince Vaughn), are emotional criminals; they know just how to use a woman's hopes and dreams for their own carnal gain. Their modus operandi is to crash weddings so they can meet guests who want to hook up with someone else on such a romantic day. But when John meets Claire (Rachel McAdams), he discovers what true love -- and heartache -- feels like.

My Two Cents: At its best it's the funniest movie since Old School. Unfortunately it, too, fades toward the end.

NetFlix Rank: Really Liked It
IMDB Rank: 8/10

Labyrinth

Labyrinth (1986)

Teenage Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) -- fed up with baby-sitting -- wishes that goblins would whisk away her baby brother. Much to her surprise, she gets her wish. The perfidious Goblin King (David Bowie),who lives in a castle surrounded by a giant labyrinth, gives Sarah one chance to save her sibling: Get to the castle -- through the maze -- in 13 hours. But to navigate the perilous labyrinth, Sarah will have to muster all her mettle and might.

My Two Cents: Even at 16 Jennifer Connelly was enchanting. This one goes in the "so bad it's good" file.

NetFlix Rank: Liked It
IMDB Rank: 7/10

Requiem For a Dream

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

No middle ground here; you'll either love or hate Requiem for a Dream. Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly and Marlon Wayans are best friends and amateur drug dealers looking for a big score. Trouble is, they're their own best customers. As they descend into the nightmarish hell of addiction, Leto's mother (Oscar-nominee Ellen Burstyn) also finds herself hooked on barbiturates. Not for the squeamish.

My Two Cents: Loved the style; One hundred times more likely to keep kids off drugs than a "Just Say No" campaign.

NetFlix Rank: Really Liked It
IMDB Rank: 8/10

How I Rank Movies

I just noticed a point that I should probably clarify. I rank movies differently on NetFlix than I do on IMDB. Because the five-star NetFlix system presents itself as a "Liked it/Didn't Like It" format, I tend to take that into account when assigning it a rating. The IMDB, however, is based on a ten-point scale, and I tend to base that on the merits of the film overall.

As an addendum, you'll see that many of my IMDB rankings hover around the 6-7/10 mark. It takes great disdain for me to drop a movie below that point, and near hatred to assign anything lower than a 3 or 4.

Also keep in mind that most of these rankings are based on my feelings at the conclusion of said movie. These have a tendency to change in the days or weeks afterward, as I continue to ponder a movie. This especially holds true for more complex films.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

After their parents are tragically killed, three young orphans -- Violet (Emily Browning), Klaus (Liam Aiken) and Sunny -- are taken in by the cunning and dastardly Count Olaf (Jim Carrey), who hopes to snatch their inheritance from them. Based on the series of best-selling, darkly funny children's books, director Brad Silberling's film co-stars Meryl Streep, Billy Connolly and Timothy Spall. Jude Law narrates as Lemony Snicket.

My Two Cents: Clever and Charming; Jude Law reads much better than he acts. Carrey is Carrey.

NetFlix Rank: Really Liked It
IMDB Rank: 7/10

Kingdom of Heaven

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

During the 12th century in the holy city of Jerusalem, a young peasant blacksmith (Orlando Bloom) takes up the mantle of knighthood so he can help repel the army of Christian crusaders that took control of the city in the year 1099. To complicate matters (of course), the young knight also falls in love with a beautiful princess (Eva Green). Co-stars Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons, David Thewlis and Brendan Gleeson. Ridley Scott directs.

My Two Cents: Not the sweeping epic it aspires to be; Could offer a poignant commentary on faith if not bogged bown by naive pluralism.

NetFlix Rank: Liked It
IMDB Rank: 7/10

War of the Worlds

War of the Worlds (2005)

You know the story: Invading Martians equipped with ships that shoot unstoppable disintegration rays attempt to overwhelm the Earth. Based on the novel by H.G. Wells (and adapted into a famous 1953 movie starring Gene Barry), this version stars Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning as a father and daughter trying to keep one step ahead of the destroying Martians while humanity tries to muster a defense … any defense! Steven Spielberg directs.

My Two Cents: Spielberg is stuck in neutral; decent filmmaking, but suffers from lack of empathy, much like prior film, The Terminal.

NetFlix rank: Didn't Like It
IMDB Rank: 5/10

BONUS BLOGGING

Robert's Two Cents: A dumbed-down bad rip-off of Shyamalan's "Signs" covered with a veneer of hype like perfumed shit.

NetFlix Rank: Hated It

The Purpose of this Blog

I like writing movie reviews. But sometimes you don't care enough about a movie to write a full-blown review. And other times you just don't feel like penning some pretentious Ebert-esque tome about the latest Spielberg epic. That's why I love the "Your Two Cents" feature on Netflix. It lets you summarize your thoughts on a film in a brief space (150 characters, perhaps?) -- neither too long, nor too short. Enjoy.